nighttime

i had climbed in bed, stretched, yawned, and arranged the blanket. i savor those first seconds. all the day's tension diffuses, displaced by comfort--a comfort that's more valued because it's fleeting and soon gives way to hot sheets and a smashed pillow. if i can keep my mind at bay during this time, it's suddenly 3:00am and i'm waking up to a cat on my head. if, however, a huge explosion goes off outside my house then it makes for a bit more trouble falling asleep. which is what happened. after several more crackles, the boom revealed itself as just one of a series of firecrackers, but it got me thinking all apocalyptic. not quite in the terrifying way the end of the world really would be, but more imagining so much humanity and activity just one day disappearing.

during this time i must've had my eyes closed because i opened them to find a huge object looming right above my face. it was so close, so big, and so nondescript. a shot of adrenaline ran through me before i realized what it was: a pillow.

i've thought about death a lot lately. seems to be the result of actual deaths, watching dead like me, and a few ridiculous conversations with my mom about where she'll live after my dad dies....a friend at work hates when people even mention the word. i understand it's not pleasant to think we'll one day all be six feet under, but that's just the thing--one day we will all be six feet under, or else a million little ashes. it's one thing we can all rely on. like the saying goes, death is the great equalizer. and in a weird way, i find it sort of reassuring. it's not like there's a chance you could be the only one of your friends and family that goes while everyone else is left to live for the rest of eternity. sure, you might kick it a few years or--worse case--decades before everyone else, but what's 20 years on an endless timeline?

this isn't to say i'm not scared of dying. frankly, i'm not quite sure how i feel about it, but i do know that me ignoring death won't result in death ignoring me. plus, contemplating it now as opposed to on my death bed seems likely to make the whole ride a bit smoother.

last night when i was striken with terror as a foreign, black shadow loomed in the room only to be a harmless cloth stuffed with feathers, i wondered if that wasn't what death might be: something we spend our whole lives fearing only to find that not only will it do us no harm, but it makes sleep a lot more comfortable.