the breakup

Dear Katharine:

Thank you for your interest in the Secretary (1) position at DePaul University. We have reviewed your resume, carefully considered your qualifications, and have decided to pursue other applicants for the position who more closely match our job requirements.


wait. i thought i was just applying for a job!
i didn't realize i was also involved in a serious relationship.
and now you're telling me that not only was i in a relationship, but it's over between us?!
shit. had i known, i would've at least tried to get some free meals out of you.
thank you, though, for leaving the personalized fields in bold-face so as to remove any question about whether this is a canned email or not.

you send the same one to all of us, don't you?!
well, we're not whores! we deserve some respect!
i didn't even know we had something going. if i had, i probably would've put out.
maybe that could've been different.
alas, farewell.