the breakup

Dear Katharine:

Thank you for your interest in the Secretary (1) position at DePaul University. We have reviewed your resume, carefully considered your qualifications, and have decided to pursue other applicants for the position who more closely match our job requirements.


wait. i thought i was just applying for a job!
i didn't realize i was also involved in a serious relationship.
and now you're telling me that not only was i in a relationship, but it's over between us?!
shit. had i known, i would've at least tried to get some free meals out of you.
thank you, though, for leaving the personalized fields in bold-face so as to remove any question about whether this is a canned email or not.

you send the same one to all of us, don't you?!
well, we're not whores! we deserve some respect!
i didn't even know we had something going. if i had, i probably would've put out.
maybe that could've been different.
alas, farewell.

FWD: this

i received a forwarded email from my parents regarding the apparent removal of the Holocaust from U.K. curriculum because it offended certain Muslims who claim it never happened. the email's author stated what an atrocity this was. one of the forwarders wrote this was an instance of PC going haywire. well, turns out upon further investigation, this pertains to one school way up North (out of 4500 schools in the U.K.) also, it wasn't removed from nation-wide required curriculum, but instead from an elective class one might take to obtain a specific degree that about 1/3 of U.K. students go for. thus, the number of students actually affected by this is, well, not too many. there were some other inaccuracies in the email, but that was the main one.
(oh, also. and this might be the best part. this email got into someones hands who didn't know that U.K. stood for United Kingdom and thus started another completely false email about how the University of Kentucky was removing the Holocaust from its curriculum.)

so really, this seems to be a case of not believing everything you read. or at least, being a little more critical. i'm guilty of this-- i know i agree with and accept certain information without questioning it much more than i should. in the case, however, it's quite ironic that the mission of this forwarded email was so people would never forget the Holocaust happened. to me, it seems one reason the Holocaust happened was because citizens went unquestioning and accepted the media and propaganda without digging deeper... which brings up one more cliché saying, something about the road to hell being paved with good intentions...

this instance along with watching fight club and being unemployed all stewed into a realization that freedom can end up being imprisonment. like all opposites sides of the spectrum, it's really more accurate to take those opposite ends and connect them so you have a circle where the two "extremes" are actually right next to each other. if you're free to do anything it can be so overwhelming you end up doing nothing. if you have no limits it can be more limiting than having certain restrictions. see everything from prisoners of Auschwitz being released to writing a term paper with no prompt.

today i got the shivers from a beautiful, simple song. i sang and hum. i played a guitar and made mistakes. i practiced scales forwards and backwards. i wrote an old friend and smiled at memories older than my nephew who drew a sun i photographed.

today i woke up breathing. i chewed, swallowed, and digested. i bled and cleaned myself. i washed and rolled my hair and cut my fingernails. i thought and rethought and talked about those thoughts with another person. i admitted faults and received compliments. i said thank you.

today i planned for my future. i stated my abilities. i sent letters and waited for responses. i thought about what i want to be when i grow up. i dreamed a little while waking and remembered the dream i had while sleeping. i told myself it was okay.

today i worried and rationalized. i fretted and moisturized. i plugged in and tuned out. i laughed.

today i thought about yesterday. today i thought about tomorrow.

LTLYM #44

today i got the shivers from a beautiful, simple song. i sang and hummed. i played a guitar and made mistakes. i practiced scales forwards and backwards. i wrote an old friend and smiled at memories older than my nephew who drew a sun i photographed.

today i woke up breathing. i chewed, swallowed, and digested. i bled and cleaned myself. i washed and rolled my hair and cut my fingernails. i thought and rethought and talked about those thoughts with another person. i admitted faults and received compliments. i said thank you.

today i planned for my future. i stated my abilities. i sent letters and waited for responses. i thought about what i want to be when i grow up, and i dreamed a little while waking and remembered the dream i had while sleeping. i told myself it was okay.

today i worried and rationalized. i fretted and moisturized. i plugged in and tuned out. i laughed. i observed beauty and felt calmed.

today i thought about yesterday. today i thought about tomorrow.

impromptu show

yesterday afternoon i received a cryptic voice mail from a friend who was, "coming to chicago for a great concert." no date, no time, no mention of the band. curious.

and indeed, later that day, after arriving at metro for an 8pm show with the lovely band cornelius, the whole experience was curious. there are few people who could convince me to pay $18 to see a band i've never listened to before, but this friend comes with particularly good taste in music. this is how i was whisked off my feet and into the world of wonder created by four, forty-something japanese music machines. they played for over an hour and a half, and, as promised by their intro, it was a sensuous synchronized show. i guess it's just because they're that good that they synced every songs with the ever-present videos playing behind them. i only experienced one time when it was a bit off and it wasn't for more than a few seconds. who knows, i could've been off. their videos, like their music, have an incredible range of style and substance. one second it looks like old-school claymation, the next it's super-sleek primary colors. not like any rock n' roll show, i've ever seen. more like a very long, very good performance piece that doesn't reek of pretension and piss. plus, i learned about and watched this instrument be played. look, ma. no hands!

lesson learned? once again, it's okay to interrupt the locally programmed schedule to do something i am unsure of. this impromptu show (the going to, not the show. i'm sure metro had planned on the show for quite sometime.) was well worth it.

and all the people said, amen.

hair down, glasses off

they say good habits take three weeks to form.* for that reason, i've been attempting to write (and smoke crack) on a daily basis. with that goal in mind, i make it about every other day, but that's fine for me. especially since this is only for me. that's right. no one else in the entire universe knows that i'm keeping this blog, and that secrecy is incredibly seductive. i was going to forgo writing tonight because my eyes hurt, but instead, i'll just write with my eyes closed. starting NOW. and since no one is reading this, no one can complain about typos.

i had hoped to refrain from writing about the writing-- meta writing? some word from college i've forgotten. i think it's annoying and worthless to say at the beggining of a blog, "this is a new start, and hopefully i'll be able to keep this one... blahblahblah." if you already have some failed starts, chances are this one ain't going to be no different.

so katharine, please forgive, but i'm going to go on for just a short bit, just this once about why i love keeping this.
you're forgiven, katharine.
awesome. thank you, katharine.

i like that in order to access this page you enter http://WITHNOWWW. isn't that neat? it's like it'se ven MORE hidden than other websites. it's like there's not even a chance someone could mistype an internet address and come here. it really is hidden in the depths of the interweb.

along those lines, i also love the fact that the address is something i invented. again, not likely someone will stumble across it, and if they do it's pretty hard unlikely they'll no who i am.

i also like the fact that, unlike keeping a paper journal, this comes out looking somewhat finished. it contains an illusion of publication, and although i don't have great aspirations for that, it does have a certain established feel. plus, it's nice to see progress.

i enjoy changing the settings. and the template. simple minds enjoy simple pleasures. it's true.

i like the chance that someone miles and oceans away might come across this and read it, and i'll never know. and that might affect something else i'll never know about and so on and so forth. because that's life. all the things we do that we never see the results of.

and finally, i like that i can write with eyes closed or open.









*invented statistic

PMS

it's undeniable. there are indeed differences between men and women. of course, some differences have been played up, even invented, to prevent one sex from doing one thing [to one another] at one time [or another] BUT disparities do exists. in light of the fact that i'm now on the first of seven tiny green pills, indicating that lovely time of the month has now arrived. it all comes down to menstruating.

i can't even spell the word without help of a dictionary, illustrating (can spell that one on my own) just how fucking sneaky the whole thing is. a simple inner-body alarm to signal the day before the floodgate release would avoid some hassle, even embarrassment-- no stained jeans, no surprised lovers. really though. our body signals when hungry, when tired, when thirsty, why not when about to menstruate? this would be logical, but nothing about the period is logical. the name itself suggests that it's the end, so everyone might as well just pack up and go to hell because mommy's going to be a bitch for the next several days.

in a perfect world only women who wanted to bear children would have their period. the men enlist in army and the women enlist in menstruation. these are prices we pay for the future generations.

before writing this, i had a clear idea of where this was going. there was a cogent conclusion, but due to extreme hormonal fluctuation i'm left clueless as to where it was going. maybe i was going to conclude by listing all the other things about being on one's period:
-lower back pain either accompanied or brought on my severe cramping that incites a desire to carve out the uterus and ovaries
-bloating. no one likes feeling like a two ton pregnant hippo.
-food cravings ranging from strange combinations like peanut butter and bacon sandwiches to rich baked goods like a brownie. covered with dark chocolate ganache. and peanut butter. with nuts. and milk chocolate chips. and vanilla ice cream. with whipped cream. and chocolate sauce. please.
-irritability, impatience, melancholy, mood swings. one second the world is a diaphanous, fragile flower blooming for your olfactory pleasure and then next it's a rotting hell hole.
-some females might, from time to time, experience slight cases of melodramatics. although this is extremely rare and could be due to sheer coincidence.

anyway, i think this started because of differences in men and women boiling down to menstruation. it's a sneaky and savage beast that changes our delicate body and soundness of mind. even years after the well has run dry, the gentle sex is still scarred by the ravages of such a primitive curse. and therein lies the inherent difference in the sexes.

curvilinear landscapes

low is -1
veins tremble inside
rice paper leaves
mistakes made
sacrifices offered
low is nearing 0

Today's Letter is Mr. C

Good morning, class. Today I would like to introduce you to a new letter-- Mr. C. He is a calm, cautious, and concerned man. Careful, however, because he is also chameleon-like. Sometimes sounding like an "s", at others he will confound kids by his "k"- like clicking. For this reason, he can add a certain confusion to spelling. He enjoys coincidences, contradiction, and the seas of change.

mr. c and i have seem to have similar interests. for instance, i also greatly enjoy coincidence. yesterday, while walking around blockbuster, i heard a familiar song. when i looked at the tv screen i saw the only few minutes of Once i've been shown. when we watched Waitress, the movie we rented, there was the trailer for Once.
this serves as good segue into our next shared interest-- contradiction. i watched Waitress and decided it was possibly the worst movie i'd seen in a while. The next day I saw There will be blood, which is possibly the best movie i've seen in a while.
usually, no matter how good or bad a piece of film/art/written work, i have both some positive and negative comments. this i'm hard pressed to think of many (any?) criticisms of There will be blood. intense yet realistic and varied in emotion-- some glimmers of hope and laughs but all diminished against this hugely dark and raging devil character. the shots of sweeping landscape and then close-ups mirror the plot, which focuses acutely on daniel plainview but also gives a greater sense for the oil rush and those times, but could be pulled even further back to those oh so lovely timeless and universal themes of greed, power, and revenge. all the visual aspects are solidified by a stunning soundtrack that propels certain scenes forward and arrests others in a crazy suspense.
also, it's really refreshing to see a great movie with someone and then have an engaging conversation about it together. [part of the seas of change, perhaps.]

and if the beginning of the post really had you thinking you were going to meet Mr. C, well then this one's for you.

alone together

the transition from solitude to companionship and back again has been difficult for me to get my head around since moving to chicago. in many ways, i consider myself an introvert- perfectly content to spend several hours (or even days) alone. mainly, i think this is because i can easily occupy my time. there's always something to read, play, make, watch, or write about. i think it also stems from my disinclination for simultaneity. that's another post though.
but in a new city without a huge social group, this tendency towards shyness tends to manifest more as loneliness than solitude. and although i disagree with a quote i remember in the FYI about how loneliness was a cup of black coffee while solitude was a cup of green tea, there certainly is a big difference between the two.
in general, i think i've excelled at both in the past months. i've jumped at (or collided into) the chance of meeting new people while keeping up old friendships from high school and college, even when i didn't feel like making the effort. at the same time, i've occupied my unemployed hours with valid and interesting pursuits.
so it's not one or the other that's a problem, but switching between the two. i'll be so content working away by myself and get irritated when i'm interrupted by the same company that two days later i'll be thrilled to see or missing. or, i'll be looking forward to going out and it falls through and that's extremely disappointing whereas the day before it might've been a relief to not have to brave the cold.
does this mean i'm extremely finicky? or hormonal? or diffident? i really thought i was over that last one...

l'inspiration grâce à la science des rêves

today i am collecting beautiful thoughts:

brown paint peeling to reveal the wood's graining on the garage door
the crying sun seen with the first light of grey morning
leaves shuddering in winter wind
first chords of what will become a favorite song as heard for the first time
steady beat of certainty and the wonderful dissonance of surprise
asymmetry on display
an owl eating birthday cake
dried hydrangea spared by the workman's boot
honest efforts
aligned fingerprints and prints of aligned fingers
equations derived from living
7/4 (shoreline)
whispers carried through thin hairs
simultaneous realization bridging the distance of two people

green tea

since getting a starbuck's gift card for christmas, i've been frequenting their innumerable establishments a couple times a week to hunt jobs. usually, i go to the one on roscoe, but seeking a change of scenery and a walk, i decided to go to paulina instead. i ordered a medium green tea and received my beverage in an efficient and pleasant manner. (as i later told the survey, from which i hope to win 1,000 'bucks. now that i think of it, i hope this is 1,000 dollars and not indeed 1,000 starbucks drinks or 1,000 starbucks locations.) it was then that i realized that the fine barista on roscoe had been giving me large teas both times when i asked for mediums. perhaps, he also thinks it's ridiculous to pay $2.02 for hot water and two tea bags or maybe he's just extending a small generosity. his gesture isn't earth-shaking. in fact, had i not gone somewhere else i, most likely, would've never realized. so i wonder how often small, kind acts go unnoticed. maybe as much as the malicious ones go noticed?



"We help each other and use kind words"
Tucson, Arizona
Taj Forer

parked cars

after getting up this morning, i gathered a sizable amount of recyclables and walked them over to the lucky people of cornelia street. then i picked up the paper, made some tea, got breakfast, and settled into the overstuffed chair to read the news on laptop. looking out the window, i noticed how all the street parking visible from my window (about 30 cars worth) was available.
what in the world?
ooooooooh, those people must be at WORK.
hmm...

this realization immediately rendered me ineffective the rest of the day. well, not really. but imaging all those cars now parked downtown in garages, or at metra stops, or out in some suburb while their owners busied their days away with real world work made me feel pretty worthless.

my day continued as i made lunch, finished laundry, applied for a job, returned and wrote multiple emails, talked to both parents, met a friend, exchanged a shirt, planned for a wedding, searched for more jobs at the coffee shop, made dinner, did the crossword, reviewed the periodic table, practiced the guitar... not a total waste. in fact, i did a lot of things. since i enjoyed them, however, it didn't feel much like work; thus it didn't feel too productive.

in french the verb to work is travailler. i believe the word originated from latin and was something like triaplis or maybe tripalium? regardless, in that form the verb meant to torture. it then evolved from torture to toil and then into the present form of to work. so is there some innate sense that in order to feel productive or that work is being accomplished that, by definition, it must be painful?
maybe only if you're latin.

anyway, while i have all this free time on my hands i'm going to do what i damn well please and feel good about the fact i'm accomplishing all those things i'd do "if only i had more time..." that, and i'm going to watch all those suckers try and find parking spaces when 6:00pm rolls around.

oh, and if you are also in need of a refresher on the periodic table, check it.

cure for the common cold

there's a lot of speculation out there on the cure for the common cold. in reality, they aren't "cures" because the common cold still exists. they are more matronly suggestions on how to weather the bug caught while "burning the candle at both ends. (thanks mom.) these suggestions usually include: getting lots of rest, taking it easy (i.e. staying in pj's all day watching tv), and drinking lots of liquids.

i don't buy it. first, getting lots of rest is fine. i'm a big proponent of sleep and power naps are right up there with cereal on my list, but it's the combination of "getting lots of rest" and "taking it easy" that's problematic. it's a cold. not the stomach flu, not an inner ear infection, not the bubonic plague. yeah, it might feel kind of crummy but wallowing in self-pity and snot rags isn't going to improve things. get up, take a shower, and do something. i don't advise binge drinking or marathon running but maybe some light laundry? or cooking? who knows, you might even forget your under the weather and get something accomplished.

so second, there's this issue of drinking lots of liquids. again, on the surface, seems like wise advice. especially, if there's hard, green mucus impeding oxygen to the brain. best to loosen that up. but thick, off-color snot is often a sign of infection, which might mean that something more serious than the common cold. so back to the normal-snotted situations of the cold. in these cases, one is told to drink liquids but NOT milk.
what?!
not milk.
why?!
because it increases mucus production.
look. milk is delicious and often drank with delicious baked goods, which i'm almost positive will offset any milky side affects. no one is thinking about their cold when eating banana bread or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. and if you are, you're very ill and i advice you to go immediately to the ER.

these are my thoughts on the common cold-- take them or leave them and feel better soon.

if interested in other thoughts i've had today, you can go to other thoughts i've had today.