how did i forget
about this game?!
6.22.2009
6.16.2009
death by cotton
tomorrow my nephew turns 9. i was 14 when we was born, and i have no recollection what 14 felt like anymore. on the phone yesterday my mom sounded exactly like my grandmother used to: she kept interrupting me because she thought she knew what i was going to say, or else she just couldn't really hear. i've been out of high school for a decade.
on monday i was sitting on the red line subway with my sunglasses on and my ipod in. i wasn't in a bad mood by any means, just in the post-work zone out. i was listening to grizzly bear's veckatimest for the second time. something about the music, the motion of the train, the way i had isolated myself in this sea of people, it all led me to thinking about death. in the time it took to go from the chicago stop to the north/clybourn stop, i felt more alarmed about dying than i had in a long time. i used to say i wasn't afraid to die, and i think that was true. i also don't think i was looking it square in the eyes.
this morning, when walking to the el, there were thousands of the those little cottony things that come from who knows where this time of year. there were so many it looked like it was snowing, and i was admiring the beauty of the feathery wisps and marveling at this snow scene in june when all of the sudden one of those little fuckers flew directly into my eye!
that's what i imagined death to be like the other day on the train.
on monday i was sitting on the red line subway with my sunglasses on and my ipod in. i wasn't in a bad mood by any means, just in the post-work zone out. i was listening to grizzly bear's veckatimest for the second time. something about the music, the motion of the train, the way i had isolated myself in this sea of people, it all led me to thinking about death. in the time it took to go from the chicago stop to the north/clybourn stop, i felt more alarmed about dying than i had in a long time. i used to say i wasn't afraid to die, and i think that was true. i also don't think i was looking it square in the eyes.
this morning, when walking to the el, there were thousands of the those little cottony things that come from who knows where this time of year. there were so many it looked like it was snowing, and i was admiring the beauty of the feathery wisps and marveling at this snow scene in june when all of the sudden one of those little fuckers flew directly into my eye!
that's what i imagined death to be like the other day on the train.
6.13.2009
i cannot lay out these pictures/captions as i wish.
my parents have finally mastered the technology of a scanner. in their excitment they've been sending family photos all day. i love looking at old photographs, even if they're not of my family. there's something about the colors and textures that amazes me as if the world really looked different then. i love the picture of my grandpa. there are so many of him like this that make me nostalgic for a time i never experienced.
my brother striking a deal with yosemite sam. probably selling him his soul. camp richard is the overnight camp where my brothers went. apparently one of the camp counselor's told chris such a scary story that it has "scarred him for life." he hates talking about camp richard, which i find hilarious. my dad with the governor of illinois. what kind of creepy handshake is that?
freudian slip (i.e. i'm a judger)
when studying abroad i became friends with a few people whom, under more normal circumstances, i probably would not have formed a friendship. (more normal circumstances being relative, of course, but at least those in which english was the first language.) it wasn't that those particular people in this small group of friends that had formed were bad people or that i even disliked them, they were just sheltered, and in that foreign experience it was often irritating to hear them complain, worry, and lament. i often found myself thinking when listening to their monologues, oh, i'm sorry. i didn't realize you were forced to embark on a really amazing chance to study in paris for half of your school year. that's so awful; you must really be suffering.
the worst offender of these few people was a girl that was two years older than myself. at times i truly felt sorry for her because this time away from her family, friends, and comfortable routine was really affecting her. it was revealing some uncomfortable realities about her life and its direction, and she was flirting with actually confronting them in a way that could have substantially changed her life. (positive changes, in my opinion.)
i say "could have" because upon returning home it became pretty obvious through the good ol' facebook that she chose to ignore everything that had come to light while away. the biggest of all these things was her boyfriend of several years whom she seriously considered breaking up with in paris because she realized that they maybe just weren't that great of a match. more than not being compatible, she felt like he was unmotivated, passive, and that they were growing in different directions. rather than end this dubious relationship upon her return home, however, they...got engaged! yea for marriage!! yea for settling!!
anyway, i outline all of this because i now only glimpse her goings-on via her frequently changing status updates on the facebook. today's was no different than most: banal looks into what she and her new husband are doing, but it came with a fantastic and what i can't help but assume is a prophetic typo!
"RSC and Bill just put the first coat of pain on the walls in their master bedroom!"
all i can say is, if those walls could talk...
the worst offender of these few people was a girl that was two years older than myself. at times i truly felt sorry for her because this time away from her family, friends, and comfortable routine was really affecting her. it was revealing some uncomfortable realities about her life and its direction, and she was flirting with actually confronting them in a way that could have substantially changed her life. (positive changes, in my opinion.)
i say "could have" because upon returning home it became pretty obvious through the good ol' facebook that she chose to ignore everything that had come to light while away. the biggest of all these things was her boyfriend of several years whom she seriously considered breaking up with in paris because she realized that they maybe just weren't that great of a match. more than not being compatible, she felt like he was unmotivated, passive, and that they were growing in different directions. rather than end this dubious relationship upon her return home, however, they...got engaged! yea for marriage!! yea for settling!!
anyway, i outline all of this because i now only glimpse her goings-on via her frequently changing status updates on the facebook. today's was no different than most: banal looks into what she and her new husband are doing, but it came with a fantastic and what i can't help but assume is a prophetic typo!
"RSC and Bill just put the first coat of pain on the walls in their master bedroom!"
all i can say is, if those walls could talk...
6.10.2009
hot cross buns
i never quite new what precocious meant until i came face to face with it a few months ago. its name is isabella. she is six years old and armed with a 1/2 sized violin, which every monday i attempt to teach her to play. i say attempt because our 30 minute lesson is usually only about 15 minutes of playing. the rest is isabella introducing me to blackie the plastic, winged creature from the field museum and stretch joe-joe the stuffed tiger, or cataloging her scrapes and temporary tattoos, or informing me of how she and her friend made a hamock for the family guinea pig--and it actually worked!!
the best was the lesson when she said that she was doing a science experiment and, "of course her hypothesis" was correct. for the most part i'm half-amused, half-amazed by this little gal. but as i stood there counting the number of syllables in hypothesis, i felt a certain irriation bubbling. what the hell does this six year old know about hypotheses. she's probably just repeating a word she heard her teacher say at school. she has no idea what it actually means. so i played dumb and asked her what hypothesis meant. and, of course, without blinking, she explains that it's one's guess in science. it's something you test. well, duh! who doesn't know that?! she was sitting on the couch as she went on to explain the experiment in more detail. after several minutes i felt we should get back to playing, and i asked her to play one of her songs. she didn't really move and then exclaimed, "my toe is stuck!!" i look down to see her toe stuck in her violin. the girl who throws out words i didn't learn until 5th grade suddenly has her toe stuck in her violin. all i could do was laugh. and help extract her toe from between the pegs.
despite isabella's brilliance, she still is just a kid. so while i was surprsied that she had difficulty understanding the concept of a roommate, it did make sense seeing as she had only lived with her family before. after going to great length to explain that a roommate is similar to living with a mother, sister, brother, father, etc. and receiving blank stares i gave up and just stared back. then isabella ventured, "so it's like a maid, but she doesn't clean?" yes! exactly. i'm so glad we've cleared that up!
she's learning a lot, but the next thing i need to teach her is that when you're six, you can't tell a story and say, "when i was younger..." you are young. yesterday you were young, today you are young, and tomorrow you will still be young.
the best was the lesson when she said that she was doing a science experiment and, "of course her hypothesis" was correct. for the most part i'm half-amused, half-amazed by this little gal. but as i stood there counting the number of syllables in hypothesis, i felt a certain irriation bubbling. what the hell does this six year old know about hypotheses. she's probably just repeating a word she heard her teacher say at school. she has no idea what it actually means. so i played dumb and asked her what hypothesis meant. and, of course, without blinking, she explains that it's one's guess in science. it's something you test. well, duh! who doesn't know that?! she was sitting on the couch as she went on to explain the experiment in more detail. after several minutes i felt we should get back to playing, and i asked her to play one of her songs. she didn't really move and then exclaimed, "my toe is stuck!!" i look down to see her toe stuck in her violin. the girl who throws out words i didn't learn until 5th grade suddenly has her toe stuck in her violin. all i could do was laugh. and help extract her toe from between the pegs.
despite isabella's brilliance, she still is just a kid. so while i was surprsied that she had difficulty understanding the concept of a roommate, it did make sense seeing as she had only lived with her family before. after going to great length to explain that a roommate is similar to living with a mother, sister, brother, father, etc. and receiving blank stares i gave up and just stared back. then isabella ventured, "so it's like a maid, but she doesn't clean?" yes! exactly. i'm so glad we've cleared that up!
she's learning a lot, but the next thing i need to teach her is that when you're six, you can't tell a story and say, "when i was younger..." you are young. yesterday you were young, today you are young, and tomorrow you will still be young.
6.08.2009
c'est la vie
i should've known better. it was way too easy. she lulled me into a false sense of relief with her sneaky mother-like ways she's had 23 years to perfect, and i fell for it. like a sucker.
being the good daughter i am, i called her at the beginning of my lunch hour to reassure her that 1). my down payment was still in tact
2). my identity was not yet completely compromised
3). i had acquired a temporary debit card and could buy myself a pack of gum or shoe laces if i so desired
then out of nowhere she hit me with it: the guilt trip of a lifetime. she even pulled out the god card! "i keep reminding myself that the christian faith tells us that we disappoint god the father everyday, and he constantly forgives us. i'm just trying to remember that and apply it to this situation."
how does one respond to that?
i wanted to ask whether she had just compared herself to god, but thought it probably not wise. i also wanted to clarify whether i had gotten a tattoo or committed a murder or had an abortion. again, some part of me decided that would probably only lengthen this lovely lunchtime chat.
after we talked at length about the best way for me to break it to my dad, she seemed immensely cheered by the fact i had agreed to tell him in person. my assured suffering at the crestfallen look of my father seemed to ease her own pain at now having a daughter destined to work a life of non-profits. they don't allow tattoos in here.
being the good daughter i am, i called her at the beginning of my lunch hour to reassure her that 1). my down payment was still in tact
2). my identity was not yet completely compromised
3). i had acquired a temporary debit card and could buy myself a pack of gum or shoe laces if i so desired
then out of nowhere she hit me with it: the guilt trip of a lifetime. she even pulled out the god card! "i keep reminding myself that the christian faith tells us that we disappoint god the father everyday, and he constantly forgives us. i'm just trying to remember that and apply it to this situation."
how does one respond to that?
i wanted to ask whether she had just compared herself to god, but thought it probably not wise. i also wanted to clarify whether i had gotten a tattoo or committed a murder or had an abortion. again, some part of me decided that would probably only lengthen this lovely lunchtime chat.
after we talked at length about the best way for me to break it to my dad, she seemed immensely cheered by the fact i had agreed to tell him in person. my assured suffering at the crestfallen look of my father seemed to ease her own pain at now having a daughter destined to work a life of non-profits. they don't allow tattoos in here.
6.07.2009
irresponsible irresponsibility
the justification went like this: i've been doing a lot of responsible things lately and taking charge of my life. doing things that dump me into the category of "adult" more than any other, which needs to be outweighed by some childish, immature act.
it was a joke, though. clearly, knowing for over a year what i wanted permanently inked into my skin and carrying around the cut-out photocopy for weeks substantiated that i was preparing for what some might call this "irresponsible act" with a great deal of responsibility.
so that happened friday, and was followed by binge drinking, getting home at 4am, waking up at noon, and a monster headache. at 2pm, still in pajamas, my roommate and i were talking about our friday nights. her boyfriend had lost his phone, which launched us into a conversation about lost wallets and phones during drunk nights out. i explained how i was shocked that in a big city like chicago everyone i've known has recovered their lost wallet and/or phone. somewhere in the back of my mind i can guarantee some smug asshole comment was brewing: yes, but i've never lost my wallet or phone. never even had it stolen--not in all these years, not even in all my travels.
well karma's a bitch because now here i sit researching the steps for getting an illinois driver's license, hoping that the bar will call me back and say they've found my wallet that i discovered was missing when i tried to pay for my cab at 4:45 this morning, or that some benevolent stranger will fill my facebook inbox with a message of great clarity.
looks like i finally managed my irresponsibility.
it was a joke, though. clearly, knowing for over a year what i wanted permanently inked into my skin and carrying around the cut-out photocopy for weeks substantiated that i was preparing for what some might call this "irresponsible act" with a great deal of responsibility.
so that happened friday, and was followed by binge drinking, getting home at 4am, waking up at noon, and a monster headache. at 2pm, still in pajamas, my roommate and i were talking about our friday nights. her boyfriend had lost his phone, which launched us into a conversation about lost wallets and phones during drunk nights out. i explained how i was shocked that in a big city like chicago everyone i've known has recovered their lost wallet and/or phone. somewhere in the back of my mind i can guarantee some smug asshole comment was brewing: yes, but i've never lost my wallet or phone. never even had it stolen--not in all these years, not even in all my travels.
well karma's a bitch because now here i sit researching the steps for getting an illinois driver's license, hoping that the bar will call me back and say they've found my wallet that i discovered was missing when i tried to pay for my cab at 4:45 this morning, or that some benevolent stranger will fill my facebook inbox with a message of great clarity.
looks like i finally managed my irresponsibility.
6.04.2009
it comes and grows
the other day i was walking west on cornelia and came across this patch of dirt that someone had obviously taken great pains to seed and then cover with hay and then a layer of tight-mesh screen, assuring that the growth of this grass would not be interrupted by heavy footfalls or disrupted by hungry birds.
yesterday i walked by the same patch to see dozens of seedlings--some nearly 3 inches tall already--coming up through the hay and screen. of course, there wasn't a blade of grass to be seen. it was all weeds. why is it that what comes so easily, so abundantly is almost always what's least desired?
yesterday i walked by the same patch to see dozens of seedlings--some nearly 3 inches tall already--coming up through the hay and screen. of course, there wasn't a blade of grass to be seen. it was all weeds. why is it that what comes so easily, so abundantly is almost always what's least desired?
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